My Essay on ‘Australia in 2014’ (as written by a Year 9 in 2034)

2014 was an amazing year. Everyone was LOLing at their fun, 2-dimensional Internet on their smartphones because Steve Jobs hadn’t been cloned yet. When they felt like it, they would walk outside and breathe the air, which did not contain billions of nanobots, and eat food from a food truck because that was okay then too. Everyone drank coffee all the time, because it existed.

Roads were everywhere, covering the ground in tarmac, which was a kind of inedible fudge made of stone. This was so that vehicles powered by intensely combustible engines could go places, like the cinema, or the voting booths to vote for Tony Abbott again. It is good that he is still our leader.

The most pressing issue for kids in 2014 was avoiding an attack by Flappy Bird, a species which has since gone extinct. In order to avoid a swooping attack, people used their smartphones to ward them off with things called ‘sexts’ and ‘selfies’ which caused the Flappy Birds mass outrage. This was the main reason for the polar icecaps melting and making the sea levels rise a few years later.

The best thing in 2014 (apart from Tony Abbott, long may the Dark Emperor reign) was the music. Bieber had not been sent to Death Row at this point, and One Direction hadn’t mutated into sea-slugs yet either. There were iPods and iPads and iPhones, all filled with fantastic songs, in mp3 form, and they could be turned off, unlike the way commercial radio plays inside our minds always now

I would not have liked to be living in 2014 because all the old people who lived through it seem really pretentious.

Hail Google.

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