Some Reasons As To Why There is No Blog Posted This Week (By Chris Knight)

Sunday (Evening)

Spent some time laughing at all the Nun-puns, then saying ‘Nun-puns’ over and over again until I started coughing. I was staring into the mirror in my room, trying it at louder and louder volumes. Nun-puns. Nun-puns. Nun-puns. See? Still hilarious. Coughing fit lasted until three in the morning.

 

Monday

Woke up confused, with a sore throat and other symptoms. Decided to google the symptoms. Bad idea. Tried three medical sites and a wiki or two. I might have rabies, or maybe scabies but not babies. Too many open tabs. One of them might be a rhyming dictionary, come to think of it. Also, if the bite is small and radioactive I might be Spider-Man. Best-case scenario!

 

Tuesday

Job interview today, so no time to write. Couldn’t find suit so I compromised with tuxedo T-shirt and jean shorts (jorts).

Went well. They asked about my strengths and I said, ‘Repetition, repetition, repetition’ over and over at varying volumes. I laughed loudly so they knew it was a good joke. They asked me about my weaknesses and I said that sometimes I cry and proved it by crying then and there. They were impressed even though I told them my pilot licence was only for simulators.

Qantas, here we* come!

 

Wednesday

Still felt good about the interview. Decided to wait by the phone instead of buying groceries even though we* were low. Stared at the phone and invented nicknames for it.

Ol’ Bellringer. Talk Tube. Silent Wait-Machine. Lamp Of Noise. Remote Control Lookalike.

Realised I had been staring at the remote control and ran to find my real phone. Found it two hours later with some pickled artichokes in the back of the fridge. No missed calls or texts, but a very successful day (because of artichokes).

 

Thursday

Thought about the blog post. Decided not to ask anyone to write anything, since I’ve pretty much got this in the bag. Thought about writing a post about bags. Thought about writing about fence posts and goal posts and the post office. It should make things meta and funny.

For research, I stood in the local post office and looked at all the page-a-day calendars, slowly. Also I wore dark glasses and a hoody and laughed to myself frequently at different volumes so as not to arouse suspicion. I thought about Occupy Wall Street and started making a protest sign with the stationery. Slowly started on: ‘I will kill you all with kindness’ but police got there too quickly to finish. Those guys are on top of protestors!

 

Friday

No wi-fi in Holden Hill Police Station, difficult to write blog or think. Thought about my oldest sea monkey, Gerald. Police let me out later but I had to walk home. Gerald had eaten all the other ones. He is now looking at me strangely and wildly, and has grown. A lot. Missed my Centrelink appointment.

 

Saturday

Need to post the blog by tomorrow. Thinking about the issues between an editor and writer who are the same person. Acted out a little practice scene in the supermarket in varied volumes:

‘Write!’

‘No, I am too lazy!’

‘Haha, you are also me!’

‘How about canned antipasto?’

‘Who is asking this, the writer or the editor me?

‘What is antipasto anyway?’

‘More like anti-blog-post-o! I’ll take five!’

‘Here are five cans, haha!’

‘Haha! Now I am the writer again. Ideas! I have many of them and you have none.’

‘But I have the cans.’

 

The manager asked me to leave before the first act had finished.

 

Sunday

Gerald tried to kill me in a dream last night. He grows stronger. Had a weird feeling I was supposed to do something today.

 

*’we’ includes my pet sea monkey(s).

 

(By Chris Knight)

 

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