By Scrooge Scab-Stinge*
Hey you! Yes, you! Have you ever needed to stay somewhere without spending those barely-earned $$? Well, fear not! Here are 12 easy steps to follow in order to make the most of your couch hopping experience!
- If there’s more than one person staying in the offered lounge room, always get there first—‘dibs’ is a universal and all-powerful rule.
- Leather couches are deceptive; whilst the leather may be comfy for sitting on and smell like delicious mahogany, you may find yourself having to peel off them in the morning. A secure sheet can stop that morning sting of skin on leather.
- A couch that folds out is a curse dressed up as a blessing—crossbars are perilous things. An ill-placed one under a thin mattress can hamper your ability to walk for days on end, and squeaky springs have the ability to put the kibosh on any lounge room alone time.
- There is more than length and depth to consider when picking your desired couch; low armrests can eliminate the need for a pillow, whilst high armrests make a good shelf.
- If travelling without appropriate bedding, the following things can make a delightful blanket:
- – Jacket
- – Towel
- – Several pairs of underpants pegged together
- – Cat
- – Another couch
- If there are none of the previous items available, many op shops sell sheets and blankets. DO NOT UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES BUY THESE; you often don’t notice the stains until you get them back to your residence.
- Lounge rooms are often the epicentre for activity in the house—you may find the people you stay with have a propensity for staying up until 4AM watching ‘Gossip Girl’. Feigning concern for the characters can cause the misunderstanding that this is a shared interest and can create banter. While good for maintaining relationships, too much knowledge of ‘Chuck Bass’ can create loss of will to live.
- Any pets in the house have right of way; remember, you are intruding on their space and they have sharper teeth.
- Couch cushions are removable and can be used as a makeshift floor mattress. Any coins found under said cushions are rightfully yours. Read the previous article by the same author, ‘A vagrant’s guide to other people’s money’.
- Sleeping-in is a grey area. If the people you stay with are lazy enough, this shouldn’t be a problem. If they’re business types, getting up for an hour before they leave for work can create an illusion of productivity.
- Borrowing of the underpants (clean OR dirty) of the people you stay with is frowned upon, IF they find out about it.
- If the worst does happen and the couch injures your back, REMEMBER: you could be in a hostel.
*The identity and whereabouts of the author are currently unknown; however he was referred to the AdelComBlog by one Angus Hodge, who can be found on Twitter under @Angus_Hodge