I’m So Informative! (By Julia Clarke)

I moved into the city recently and strange things started to happen – I began wearing thick-rimmed glasses with no lenses (I popped the ‘glass’ out of old 3D glasses) and became strangely attracted to oversized 2nd hand jumpers.

It has also meant that I AM INCREDIBLY CULTURED and am able to have opinions on places around our wonderful city.  Here are some of my opinions (with hopefully some actual useful information) with a star rating – out of an unspecified amount of stars, as to keep it all a bit ambiguous.

Please enjoy and take everything I say very seriously.

A Mother’s Milk

Unley Road – Four stars.

This place nearly lost a star because of the name.

‘A Mother’s Milk?’ I thought.

‘A coffee bar?!’ I also thought.

Breast milk, I thought. I immediately imagined a room out of the back of this place with a hundred women hooked up to breast pumps, feeding the masses what they needed.

I don’t think it helped that there was a lady breast feeding outside when I thought it. Not that there is anything wrong with that.

Apart from my disturbing visual (which I must add may only be exclusive to me until I described it to you), this place is a funky urban coffee shop on Unley Street with friendly service and affordable good tasting coffee.

The interior is very ‘Melbourne’. Very urban. The tables outside are made from old wooden crates with a chalkboard service.

There was table service and it was quick and friendly and the coffee was great. For only $3.30 per coffee – it is one of the cheaper coffee places around.

Only one question remains: are YOU mum enough?

Robern Menz Fruchoc Factory

Glen Osmond Road – FIVE BILLION Stars


Adelaide’s Willy Wonka Chocolate Factory equivalent – where apricot balls are covered in chocolate and dreams come true.

Step into a really old crappy brick building where hope appears to be lost and you will be rewarded by stepping into a wonderland of delicious chocolate coated… everything.

The SA owned company has invented one of SA’s proudest products, the Fruchoc. Here, at their head office and factory outlet, you can buy Fruchocs, Menz confectionary (Jubes, Honeycomb, etc), Medlow Fine Gels and Robern sugary fruit balls and their FACTORY SECONDS!! I’m so sorry about my writing correctness in advance, but…

Yaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaayyyyyyyyyy! Cheap deliciousness. No one can figure out why these factory seconds are unloved; I love them all the same. Sweet, delicious same.

If you listen really carefully, you can hear the roar of Dave Callan getting closer and closer.

Burnside Village

Two Stars

I once put a status update on my Facebook saying ‘I need to buy a new outfit so I can go shopping at the new Burnside Village’ and it got heaps of likes (I just wanted you to know).

What that says is this:

Do you like feeling superior to other people around you?

Do you like seeing only of-age people with prams AND shoes on?

Do you drive a 4WD that you can totally justify because you have kids or an oversized Country Road shopping bag?

Then Burnside Village is for you.

The recently renovated centre is the place for the pompous to feel like they can go and judge each other and see who can buy the most expensive outrageous clothes. They kept an incredibly old tree ON THE INSIDE (I know, crazy!!) which is a nice touch, but the rest of the new renovation is white, sleek and sterile.

I challenged my partner to find some ‘soul’ in this shopping centre, and all he could find was a store that sold cheese.

It’s only because he really likes cheese.

There is plenty of parking now, on ground level, above ground level and under cover, but the expense of the cars in there pretty much restricts you going in unless you have at least good 3rd party insurance.

(Update, the tree inside is dying.)


[Follow Julia Clarke on Twitter: @ClarkeJulia or on Tumblr]

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