Qurbo’s Tips: How To Get Smashed Without Drinking!
Whether you’re one of those straight-edge dudes with a lot of tatts and a flat-brimmed cap, completely povvo or just a downright pussy, there are sometimes moments in our life where we just simply cannot drink. ‘But how can I too enjoy the effects of drinking to excess without actually drinking?’ I hear you ask. Well, follow me as I take you on a non-alcohol fuelled journey through Location: Intoxication.
Tip 1: Get Severely Concussed
Ever hear someone say the next day: ‘I did WHAT…? Hahahaha… I don’t remember that at all?’ Of course you have. And I bet you that after seeing all their friends laugh, high-five each other then walk into Intencity you thought to yourself, ‘I wish I could experience memory loss.’ Guess what? It’s easier than you think and you don’t have to fork out $150 in one night to do so. Simply walk into your closest hotel, approach the largest man you can see, then proceed to twist his nipples. Getting your nipples twisted really hurts and 9 times out of 10 a stranger will punch you in the face if you do so. On the off chance that they don’t knock you out, simply state how you performed sexual acts on their significant other, who rather enjoyed it. They’ll either punch you for offending them or punch you for using big smart words in a front bar. The result: Concussion! You’ll have no idea why you are being carried out of a bar, a throbbing headache and when people remind you the next day that you nipple-crippled a bikie, you’ll say, ‘I DID WHAT…?’
Tip 2: Drink Shots of Fish Sauce
There are three types of people in this world who can yell, ‘WOOOO!’ then pull a stupid face in public without being ridiculed. That is Ric Flair, the mentally ill and people who have just slammed down a heinous shot. Let’s face it, making loud noises in public is fun but no one wants to be shunned because of it. So here’s the answer: take a bottle of fish sauce out with you and do shots of that bad boy all night long. You’ll be yelling at how bad it tastes, pulling faces like you’ve just stepped in dog shit and no one will catch you out since fish sauce looks just like a Sambucca or Chartreuse shot. Best of all, your mouth will taste like arse and smell like it too, giving you the full effect of a “big night out”.
Tip 3: Spin and Enter
Drunken challenges are great fun and can boost morale if achieved; and the biggest achievement a drunk can make is entering a club when extremely intoxicated. One must stand straight, maintain eye contact and not appear disorientated to the bouncer; something that can be quite a feat after 12 beers, 3 shots and a big glass of purplish, green slushy thing. How, though, do you impair your mobility without the help of foreign substances? Simple! You use an ancient technique passed down from generation to generation of bored children in a park: spin around in circles, then chase after something. In this case, you’re chasing entry. Out of sight from the bouncer, spin around quickly as many times as possible, stop, then try and walk straight into the club. If you get in… SUCCESS! However, if you don’t, you get the joy of arguing with a bouncer on how you’re “fine” and “have only had a couple… (of spins).”
Tip 4: Put Lego in Your Shoes
Drinking and shit dancing go hand in hand. Something else that goes hand in hand is standing around clapping and cheering whilst watching the drunk larrikin try to dance. Replicating shit dancing can be hard, and the worst thing you could do is be seen as someone pretending to dance badly in order to get attention. This is where our famous Danish toy-makers, Lego, come into the picture. Stepping on a piece of Lego in bare feet make even the most well balanced individual hop and jump around like a crack addicted Richard Simmons. With this in mind, put a handful of Lego pieces in each shoe before you hit the dance-floor. Before you know it, you will be jumping, crumping and stomping the yard like no-ones business, brother! Also the grimace of pain on your face when those dotted brick press into your feet will make you look like you’re munted on some bad ecstasy. Extra hilarity points there!
Tip 5: Get Food Poisoning
Projectile vomiting is funny, full stop. Especially when you see your drunken mate spray 15 beers and a half-eaten yiros all over Rundle Street. The only problem is that this “very funny” action probably cost your mate around $200 worth of booze. Answer: Food Poisoning. For completely free you can search through a restaurant bin and find yourself a tasty little morsel of 5-day-old sea food. After consuming this you’ll feel dreadful and in a couple of hours time will find yourself puking in the cab-line with the rest of your crew. Yeah! Fun times with the lads!
So there you have it, 5 non-alcoholic ways to enjoy a Saturday night!
(For your own personal safety and well being it is highly advised to not take any notice of Qurbo’s Tips. Qurbo’s Tips hold no responsibility for any injury or death caused by these actions. Qurbo’s Tips is a Leigh Qurban production.)