Praise the Lord and Pass the Ammunition (by Joshua ‘not-a-nut’ Cruse)

Right-wing, gun-toting Americans: proof that natural selection doesn’t always weed out the dumb. There is no arguing that gun control has worked in Australia and has also worked in many other places. However, there is a certain type of person who says they shouldn’t bother, who believes gun control can work everywhere except the USA. I’m not here today to push an agenda against guns or to talk about crazy people. I’m not even here to offend gun enthusiasts by calling them gun nuts.

Gun nuts use a few quite ridiculous arguments (more than I can count on my fingers and toes) because they’re crazy. But today I am only going to take you through what I have personally heard and are my most hated (or loved, depending if I am in a laughing mood) arguments. So grab some brain killing substances and get down to these people’s level as I take you through the three stupidest pro-gun excuses I’ve heard:

1. Guns don’t kill people—people kill people.

This is true. Guns don’t kill people—people kill people… with guns. INANIMATE OBJECTS DON’T KILL PEOPLE YOU COMMIE!!!!!1!!!one!!! (An actual line used in an argument by someone.) There doesn’t even need to be a response to this, it stands on its own as bloody moronic.


2. How is anyone meant to protect themselves without a gun?

Someone else couldn’t actually believe that very few people have guns over here because ‘we can’t protect ourselves if we don’t’. Ever heard the statistic about how (something like) two and a half million people are protected every year by guns? I did a bit of research about how they got this figure and how they got it is a bit worrying. In the early 90s someone selected 4000-odd people from a very pro-gun state, asked them a few gun related questions and due to extrapolation we get the wonderful number of 2.5 million.

Let’s look at that number more accurately. 2.5 million: take into account location bias and margin of error. You are, in fact, looking in the region of 2.5 million and 0. I’m not kidding, look up the numbers, margin of error alone takes the number to well within the margin of error.

3. Spoons make me fat.

Actually a problem with Ghrelin and Peptide-YY levels causing a resistance to Leptin is what makes you fat. Have you ever come across the argument that if guns kill people, then spoons make people fat and thus we should ban spoons? Same as kitchen knives, although that one is actually somewhat true in the UK according to this article, although it says they should ban pointy kitchen knives. I have a pointy kitchen knife at home I hate—I wouldn’t mind if you took that off my hands. It’s one of those stupid blunt ones that can’t cut through a can.

I’ve gone off topic, it seems.

Have you ever used a spoon incorrectly? What you get is no food—it is horrible. If you misuse a gun you either miss or nothing happens. Both spoons and guns are very different things (I’m sure you would know that but there is a sector of people that don’t). A gun is made for harm, spoons… not so much. Next week we will be looking at why a Playstation console is different to a female’s handbag.

That’s three stupid reasons against gun control and I’m about to go mad by thinking about them. There are real arguments against gun control, no one wants to use them but they probably do exist. Try to think of some that you find stupid.

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