Adelaide Comedy’s New Social Media Strategist (By Chris Knight)

The following is a transcript from a meeting in which a marketing consultant gave some of the Adelaide comedians a presentation on social media. Originally, there were four hour-long sessions, but the consultant left after 15 or so minutes. The following is the only record of the brief visit.

Alright, is everyone here? Okay. This thing’s recording? Let’s start. Okay comedy people, I think you all know why we’re here. Oh, most of you don’t? Never mind. Allow me to introduce myself. My name is Jared S. Compton. The S is for Social Media which is followed with a dot Com… pton. That’s a sort of joke.

Fine. Boo away, that’s alright. Unlike all of you comedy types, I don’t need laughter. I don’t need it because I get results. Show of hands: Who here has a Facebook page? And who has Facebook friends. Wrong! You have POSMAC, which stands for POtential Social MediA Currency. That’s right, even your Mum is a POSMAC.

Please calm down. No, I don’t want to hear what my mother—that is disgust—oh, you’re still—ah. Yes. I don’t think I meant what you think I did. At least you all seem very inventive with language. That will help later on in the social media framework.

Going forward, capitalising on your POSMACS is like investing on the stock exchange. You could say it’s like Facebook Wall… Street!

Not laughing is, again, fine, but please tell those three to stop throwing the butter sachets. It may stain my suit. Twitter is a platform, but like all platforms, the more trains, the faster you can travel. Please stop telling me I’m wrong.

Twitter followers are vastly important, particularly for comedians. I have read numerous articles on this. The Venn diagram for comedy and Twitter, here, shows—please don’t take my pen—please don’t draw on the whiteboard—that does look a lot like me, actually. But still…

Now try this: Take an Instagram picture of something you want to buzz, and cross-post it on Pinterest, Facebook, Twitter, and then print out a QR code sticker with a link to subscribe to your YouTube channel. It’s simple.

What’s that? You’ve posted on my Facebook wall already? Ah, it’s an Instagram photo of—I, uh—grunkh… blechh… I apologise for the dry retching. Please, stop throwing jam packets. I know I only specified butter earlier, but still. The newest platform these days is Vine, wherein 6-second videos are… yes, that’s a good Vine idea. You have a closeup of my face, followed by…

[Inarticulate screaming, more retching]

I hate you all. This is the single worst, I can’t even, I mean…

[Fumbling sounds, presumably clip-on microphone thrown to the ground]

[Shouted from a distance] Good. BYE!

Jared spent the next month recuperating at a sanitarium on the Gold Coast. The moral of the story is: ‘Like’ Adelaide Comedy on Facebook.

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