Here in my ivory tower I sit, gazing upon all those who move below. I mingle when the fancy takes me. I stir the ooze of intrigue, and eavesdrop upon the lives of those both above and below my station. Who am I? I am the eye that peeks around the corner, the nose that pokes into the business of others. I am you. I am he as you are he as you are me, and we are all together (Goo-goo-g’joob). I am not Edward Snowden. Seriously, stop asking me that. I am mystery incarnate. I am Plom DeNume, Fake Gossip Dude.
This week in fake gossip, henceforth known as Fauxxip™:
Michael Bowley has ‘gone travelling to South America’. Sure. Everyone believes that as certainly as ‘man’ landed on the ‘moon’. Think about it, sheeple! He’s clearly pulling all the political strings in Australian politics right now from his yacht moored off the coast of Chile.
The recent court appearance of Dave Campbell is sure to change his reputation from that of a milquetoast do-gooder to the devil-may-care millionaire playboy he has always truly been. Attending the Adelaide Supreme Court with at least a dozen fashion models, most of them women, he reportedly flirted with the judge and threw $20 bills to onlookers. He is charged with ‘being too bad’.
The fairytale relationship of Amanda Bynes and Nick Skeer seems to have come to a close. The couple, whom the media lovingly dubbed Nickmanda Beer were seen fighting outside the Blue-and-White café on North Adelaide’s O’Connell street. Plans for their Beverly Hills wedding next month are undoubtedly ‘off’.
Where’s Demi Lardner? Last spotted by reporters she was smashing vases in a Crystal-ware shop, laughing maniacally. When asked for a quote, she said ‘I have nothing to declare except my genius.’ When pressed further, she responded, ‘My friend, you would not tell with such high zest to children ardent for some desperate glory, the old lie: Dulce et decorum est pro patria mori.’
Georgie Carroll has been seen shopping at Rundle Mall’s finest stores. Never one to shy from a quarrel, she’s been spotted dressed as some kind of wrestler and holding shopkeepers in headlocks until they give her a discount. Says Georgie: ‘It’s just like we did it back in t’old country.’
Famed Podcaster Marcel Blanch-de Wilt is in tears this week, claiming he just heard about North West‘s birth to Kim and Kanye. ‘I thought it was mine!’ he sobbed to one of our reporters. ‘I thought Kanye was true to me alone.’ We are as confused as you.
AND THAT’S ALL… or is it?