Are You The Cake Boss? (By Mark Tripodi)

This week, it’s a Choose-Your-Own-Adventure Story! Remember those? Time to get choosing:

It’s your birthday. Happy birthday to you. That’s what you would be saying to yourself if you were someone else. But you’re not someone else, you’re you, with all those weird body things you have. You’re getting older, and that weeping thing you have (you know the one) is that gross reminder, usually out of view, but rarely out of mind.

You get up out of bed, the place where you have spent most of your birthday so far, and shuffle over to the bathroom. You sit down and pee. You also fart a little. You are generally quite gross. It’s quite fortunate that you’re reading this and not seeing this, because it would be very gross. You are such a gross person. Your main function is to poop. Humans are so damn gross. You scratch a thing on your body, and then look at your fingernails. Being a person is the worst.

At the very least you’ll probably getting some cake. It has been promised, by your absolute best friend in the world, money. Not money that you might not get from friends and family, it’s money that you already spent. You bought a cake yesterday so that you could eat cake tonight. No matter what happens, at the end of the day, you’re going to eat cake. It’s unwise, you know, unhealthy, even, but birthdays come only…

IF YOU WERE BORN ON FEBRUARY 29TH, GO TO PAGE 2

IF YOU WERE BORN ON ANY OTHER DAY, GO TO PAGE 3

(Links open on Tumblr.com)

[Also, follow Mark on Twitter @markjaytee and listen to his pie-based podcast, The Piecast]

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