Actual Want-Ads Found on Gumtree.com.au*

(*That may in fact have been placed by yours truly, Chris Knight)

Tiger Blam
This is not a typo. I want a tiger that explodes in some way, not Tiger Balm. I do NOT need Tiger Balm, I need Tiger Blam.

This can be a stuffed tiger, a photo of a tiger, or an abstract concept that in some way conjures up a tiger for all who view such a thing. An onomatopoeic tiger will be considered, only if it sounds something like ‘blam’. ‘Boom’, ‘blamp’, ‘blaam’ or ‘blaaam’ will all be considered. I am willing to pay TOP DOLLAR* for this thing.

*I will draw a picture of a dollar coin wearing a top hat. The coin will be smiling and that hat will be large.

No fakes please. If you have Tiger Blam I will make it worth your while.

 

Nostalgia: Remember this show?

I am looking for the DVD or VHS of a show I used to love as a child. I can’t remember the title, so please bear with me. (I will accept poor-quality tapes and discs).

The show involved a bear called Montanus or Polycarp or maybe Exactotron. This bear was three times the size of the screen, so all you could see was his feet. He would do a different dance each episode and we would copy this in our lounge rooms at home while Mum made us cheese toasties after school.

There was also a talking tree who was DEFINITELY called Aladdin. He would always say ‘not that Aladdin’ and he laughed like a gurgling drain. When he laughed, apples came down and they were filled with soft cheese. There were always kids in the audience and they would eat the cheese-apples. This was why Mum made us cheese toasties to eat along with the show.

There was a river of cheese with a boat captain on a raft. His name was Charon (Karon?), and let the kids over the river for the price of a coin, and there was a cat with three heads on the other side. The cat sang songs about calcium and milk and also the cheese river.

I think it was sponsored by the dairy board. Please help if you know this or something like this show. I hope it was not a dream. I would do the dance I learned from the giant bear in class the next day and they would clap and laugh. It was my favourite childhood memory!

 

Genuine Time Travel Device

This is a serious scientific experiment.

Is time travel possible? I would like to know. This ad is for me, in the future (you know who you are. You are me in the future). All non-me personnel need not apply.

I would like you (future me) to appear at the place (wink, wink) where I am right now, typing at this computer. Please arrive approximately five seconds after I upload the ad and bring a spare time travel device.

I will trade for a 2013 sports almanac or similar.

No-one delete this ad until time travel is proven. They said this could not be done, but I just did it.

Note: The above ads were all placed online. So far, there has been only one response, recommending a good psychiatrist.

 

Written by