Want to sell products? Want to have things jumping off the shelves? Want ca$h-flow, and fast? Then you need to start advertising, my way. For instance, look back at the word cash-flow. Notice something? There’s a subliminal dollar sign. I made you think about cash subliminally and superliminally. That last word is a huge word that lets you know this ‘genius’ thing is for real.
Still not convinced (you are, but I get paid per word)? Here’s some of my most recent pitches:
Voiceover (VO): Hey, America! [n.b. That’s right, I’m selling Vegemite to America. What of it?]
A bald eagle flies across the screen. He perches on a US Flag. Camera zooms in on eagle face.
VO: Wanna be more patriotic?
The eagle winks. It opens its beak and a river of Vegemite pours out.
VO: Get this into your face, fatsos!
Zoom in on eagle’s eye. It fills up with Vegemite as well. Pan out to reveal blackened, dripping flag.
VO: Vegemite. It’s made of eagle dreams and salt.
Fade to Vegemite logo.
Krispy Kreme Donuts
(Black-and-white) A man walks into a Krispy Kreme. He looks sad. (Switch to colour) He walks out, smiling, with a bag of multi-donut boxes in each hand.
Man: Hooray for donuts!
A man in a hoodie runs up and threatens him with a knife. He hands the donuts over.
Criminal (Threateningly to camera): Knife crime is on the rise!
VO: Join The Police Force!
Police website and phone details appear over scene of knife stabbing into jam doughnut. Jam drips out.
VO: (Deep voice) Stooop Kniiife Criiiime.
Cats (The Musical) Theme Restaurant
Slow, lingering shots of delicious food, panning up from gourmet feast to reveal waiters and waitress dressed as characters from Cats. Record-scratch sound effect.
VO: It’s a theme restaurant. The theme is Cats The Musical. Remember? Andrew Lloyd-Webber? For the LAST time, there’s no actual cat in any of the food. We do NOT serve cat-meat!
Close up of Steak Tartare.
VO: This is beef, not cat. I repeat, it was a MUSICAL. Come to Cats, The Restaurant!
Sound effect of cat yowling cut short and loud chopping sound.
Close up of me.
Me: Hello advertising firms! I am a genius. How can you tell? I know words like (making dramatic quotation gestures) ‘superliminally’ and ‘advertising’. I can revolutionise your company with my marketing savvy.
Camera zooms out and flips 180°, revealing me to be hanging upside down from the ceiling somehow.
Me: Forget everything you know!
I start walking across the ceiling toward the camera, which flips 180° again. It’s just a set made to look like an upside-down room!
Me: Then forget you even knew that.
Zoom back in on my face. Vegemite pours out of my mouth just like the eagle ad. My personal mobile phone number appears, as does my twitter username. I grin through the Vegemite, teeth blackened. It is sickening. You hire me immediately.