The English language is constantly evolving, but sometimes it doesn’t change fast enough for our modern society. That’s where I, Nick O’Connell, have decided to step in and sort things out. I’ve cast my eye over a few terms and phrases that could do with some updating.
Here is the first cab off the rank:
The Sport of Kings.
Although most people think of horse racing as the sport of kings, the term has been applied to jousting, falconry and polo. Unless you’re very rich and own horses, like the British Royal Family, or are very short and weird looking, like the British Royal Family, you can’t really get involved with horse racing. Also, most of the Royals are elderly and not long for this world. They’re also much too frail to mount a horse… and ride it… in a horse race. The solution? Change the sport of kings to a ‘sport’ that every man, woman and child can compete in: Bowling.
Yes, because nothing says royalty like overpriced hot dogs and terrible music played so loudly that you become disorientated and forget who you are and where you live. Men and women dressed to the nines will be replaced with people sporting the same weird red and black shoes that every bowling alley in Australia is somehow legally required to purchase. Wide open spaces and the smell of freshly cut grass is traded in for UV lights, lasers and some of the worst body and foot odour known to mankind. Millions of dollars awarded to first place? Not in the new regal bowling alleys. No more cash prizes for our new sport of kings, rather, paper tickets that can then be exchanged for what can only be described as some of the cheapest and crappily-made toys that money can buy.
If bowling isn’t your cup of tea, I’ve come up with a few more suggestions:
- Shopping Trolley Racing
- Double-Bouncing People On Trampolines
- Community Theatre
- Waiting In A Queue